Beyond Bertie Bott’s: Jelly Beans That Will Never Be

Yep. That's what they call them in Oregon. Bad idea for a jelly bean flavor!
Yep. That’s what they call ’em in Oregon. Great name; bad idea for a jelly bean. From

Thanks to J.K. Rowling…vomit, booger, sausage, and earwax-flavored jelly beans already exist. Having recently reread the Harry Potter books and visited the Jelly Belly Factory, I started wondering if there were flavors that could never be made into jelly beans. I know the box says “Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans,” but surely there are lines which cannot be crossed.

Over the past weekend, I found myself happily sequestered with a motley crew of humans between the ages of 9 and 49, and in a slurpee-fueled brainstorming session, we came up with the following list of impossible flavors:

  • Honey Bucket
  • Chaps
  • Hamster
  • Jersey Shore
  • Chicken Carpaccio
  • Hobo
  • Litter Box
  • Codpiece
  • Dog Breath
  • Moth Ball
  • Day-Old Sushi
  • Poop Shoot
  • School Lunch
  • Urinal Cake
  • Warm Mayo
  • Hot Pocket
  • Nursing Home
  • BART Seat
  • Cadaver
  • Drakkar Noir
  • Bromidrosis
  • Failure
  • Febreze
  • Barney
  • Budgie Smuggler
  • Chum Bucket
  • Toe Jam
  • Dingleberry
  • Gym Class
  • Shart
  • Douche
  • Placenta Chutney
  • Armpit
  • Dumpster
  • Fish Market
  • Gangrene
  • Val Kilmer
  • Daycare

Have we missed any? Feel free to chime in. If you have been offended, my apologies. Be thankful that this list was heavily edited.


Published by

Beret Olsen

Writer, photographer, teacher, and part-time insomniac.

6 thoughts on “Beyond Bertie Bott’s: Jelly Beans That Will Never Be”

  1. Thanks, sister. I just wanted to let you know that I just shared this blog with my community of fellow William
    Evans conference attendants.
    Sounds like an important brainstorm session
    Love you,


  2. Cornish Hen
    Belly Lint
    Peed a little
    Compost Bin
    Dutch Oven (where you fart under the shared blanket)
    Wet Willy
    Beggin’ Strips (doggie treats)
    Mattery Eye
    Pitted Out
    Gold Bond
    Justin Bieber
    Used Kleenex
    raw meat
    burnt rubber
    wet dog
    oily hair
    sharp knives
    backed up
    Sniff test
    Drank too much
    Teen spirit
    (for that matter: teenager!)
    Old washcloth
    Wet burp
    Moldy grape
    Skid marks
    Bloody nose
    Nervous Sweat


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